I WANT MY BREASTS BACK!

© 2007 www.justforgrownups.com

He has her smile.  He has Grandpa’s eyes.  He has your breasts!

You spent nine months watching them grow along with her belly, drooling over them as they went up in size.  As she got bigger and bigger, your sexual encounters became fewer and farther between.  You longed for the day that the baby would arrive, not only so you could enjoy the pitter patter of little feet but also, so that you could finally touch, and stroke your partner again - without having nine pounds of baby moving between you.

Now that Junior is here, you probably hope to, at least, enjoy some courtesy sex.  Of course - you yearn to be able to hold and caress those breasts with which your baby is so enamored.

If you have been banned from the boobies, it may help you to understand the reasons why she has posted ‘NO TRESPASSING’ signs around the Promised Land.

1. As you have presumably experienced from her sweet disposition, she is living in Hormone Hell.  The changes in her hormone levels are not only affecting you; they are affecting her as well.  She can easily transition from laughter to tears in seconds.  She makes time to feel happiness, sadness and sometimes can make time for hunger.  All of this leaves very little time for lust.

2. If she is nursing, she has probably not slept more than two hours in succession.  Newborns must be fed ‘round the clock.  Since mom is the only one carrying around the bottles, she’s pretty much flying solo on this mission.  The state of exhaustion fails to deliver a sexy bed partner.

3. No matter how appealing those gigantic orbs may look, they don’t feel nearly as beautiful.  In fact, they probably hurt when they are squeezed, rubbed, and, yes, even kissed lightly.  If you have been known to flip her tit, on the way to church, try to refrain from it during the first few months.

4. There’s a reflexive action that happens when your baby cries, when it’s time to feed, or even when your partner thinks about the baby.  It’s called ‘let down’.  This means that the breasts fill with milk.  Did you know that this ‘let down’ also happens with orgasm? While you’re busy yelling YAHOO and patting yourself on the back for getting her off, she’s ready to wake a sleeping baby to ease some of the pressure or she’s changing wet sheets.  Neither task is something she will enjoy when the baby has just entered dreamland. Sleeping in the wet spot takes on a whole new meaning for her when she’s nursing.

If the mammary police stop you every time you try to take a tour of Hooterville, there is light at the end of that cold, dark tunnel. There are some things that you can do to get a day pass.

1. Take her up on her offers for courtesy sex.  If you truly need some attention, this is probably all that you are going to get for a little while. She will be grateful that you are letting her off the hook so easily.  Make it a quickie but don’t forget about her comfort.  Nursing mothers, often lack fluid in other areas so be sure to use a good amount of lubricant.  Don’t try to be a sexual dynamo, or even think about getting her off, on the test runs. She’ll let you know when she’s ready to try for more.

2. Let her get some much-needed rest.  Even if it’s just for an hour or so, she will probably appreciate it so much, that the sex could graduate from courtesy sex, to gratuitous sex.  Keep in mind that gratuities in restaurants increase when the level of service increases. In other words, the more grateful she is, the more likely she is to show it.

3. Give her some time to herself every day, even if it’s just for a minute.  Let her go grocery shopping alone or to get a pedicure.  If she can get a break from the baby that’s pulling at her breasts all day long, she just might feel generous enough to let you fondle them for a second. 

4. Don’t touch the breasts until you have been invited to do so.  There are other areas that can entertain you and that will feel fabulous to her.  There are many forgotten pleasure zones that you can still hit.  For instance, a kiss on the back of the neck, a lick at the base of the spine or a tickle on the arch of the foot - at a romantic moment - will make her feel great.

Reintroducing sex into your marriage after the birth of a child can be difficult - especially if your partner is nursing.  While you’re dying to touch those massive breasts, she already has someone touching them all day.  The breasts that once offered such great pleasure to her are now sore, leaking, and swollen.  A little patience, time, and consideration for her feelings can go a long way.  There will be highs and lows but whatever the lows may be, together you have brought a new life into the world, which is a huge undertaking and one that should be treasured and cherished.  One could say that your cup runneth over – and mean it!